Before I met my husband, I had a period of time where I was single and actively working on healing my wounds in an effort to attract a healthy relationship. During this time, I learned about attachment styles. I read the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. If you haven’t read this book, I highly recommend it.
Attachment styles are about how we attach in relationships. Our baseline style developed when we were young children with our relationship with our primary caregiver. There are three main styles of attachment: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Secure attachment means you are comfortable in your own skin, you’re not afraid to share your feelings, needs, desires. You are consistent and reliable. The other two styles are insecure. The primary underlying fear of anxious attachment is the fear of abandonment or rejection. The primary underlying fear of avoidant attachment is your freedom being infringed upon. It is no surprise a person with an anxious attachment often attracts a person with an avoidant attachment and their fears butt up against one another.
I discovered my baseline attachment is anxious and over the years I had attracted one avoidant partner after another.
The good news is we can learn a skillset to become more secure and create a secure functioning relationship.
During those years leading up to meeting my husband, I actively worked on shifting my anxious attachment toward secure. This meant I got clear on my needs and I improved my communication. I also worked on leaning into the hard conversations without avoiding conflict.
The work I put into my attachment style, led me to attracting a secure partner. Our relationship is beyond my wildest dreams. There are still moments when I move toward my anxious tendencies, but I have a partner who can meet me there and reassure me which soothes me enough to let the anxiousness go.
When I work with couples, attachment theory is the main way that I work. My goal for the couple is that whatever their baseline attachment styles, by the end of our work together their relationship is secure functioning. I have seen miracles happen again and again.
· If your curious about your attachment style, take this quiz:
· To hear me talk more in depth about attachment styles, listen to this podcast:
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