Attachment Styles

jessieskrall
Sep 27, 2023
2 min read

Updated: Jun 30

By Jessie Krall | Originally published on Krall Counseling

Before I met my husband, I went through a meaningful season of being single—intentionally. I was actively working on healing old wounds and preparing myself to attract a healthy, aligned relationship.

That’s when I discovered the concept of attachment styles.

I read the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (highly recommend, by the way). It changed the way I understood myself—and how I related to others.

🧠 What Are Attachment Styles?

Your attachment style is the blueprint for how you relate in intimate relationships. It develops early in life through your relationship with your primary caregiver, and it often carries over into adulthood—until you consciously work with it.

There are three main attachment styles:

1. Secure Attachment

You feel comfortable being yourself. You’re not afraid to express needs, emotions, or boundaries. You’re consistent and reliable—and you expect the same in return.

2. Anxious Attachment

Your core fear is abandonment or rejection. You might over-function, seek constant reassurance, or fear being “too much.”

3. Avoidant Attachment

Your core fear is losing freedom or being engulfed. You might keep people at a distance or avoid emotional intensity.

It’s common for people with anxious attachment to be drawn to avoidantly attached partners—and vice versa. This pairing can create a push-pull dynamic that reinforces both partners’ fears.

The good news? Attachment styles are not fixed. They’re patterns—not life sentences. And with awareness and practice, they can shift.

💛 My Journey Toward Secure Attachment

In my single years, I began the slow, intentional process of moving from anxious to more secure.

Here’s what I focused on:

Getting clear about my needs (and believing they were valid)
Communicating directly and kindly
Leaning into hard conversations, rather than avoiding conflict
Learning to soothe myself before seeking reassurance from others

That work changed everything.

Eventually, I attracted a secure partner—and our relationship has become something more beautiful and grounded than I ever imagined.

Sure, my anxious tendencies still show up now and then. But I have a partner who meets me with consistency and reassurance, and that support helps me settle back into security.

🌿 How I Use Attachment Theory in My Work

When I work with couples, attachment theory is my primary lens. No matter where each person starts—anxious, avoidant, or mixed—my goal is to help the couple build a secure-functioning relationship.

And I’ve seen it happen. Again and again. With the right support and willingness to do the work, couples create miracles.