Love Story
Today is the five-year anniversary of my first date with my husband (April 19, 2018). Before I met him, I had been single for a couple of years and working on my relationship with myself. I would go on dates just with me and snap photos and post to social media “best date yet – with myself.” I made it into a game. I was dating myself. As silly as it was, it made me ready for love when love arrived.
Before dating myself, I had tried online dating. I have all the horror stories to prove it. My friend joked that I should give the guys a quiz, 1. Do you live with your parents? 2. Do you have your own car? 3. Are you employed? 4. Are you an alcoholic or an addict who is not in recovery? 5. Do you live in a sober living facility? You can imagine what kind of men I had been attracting.
Online dating felt so contrived, so fake. Not like me. Not who I wanted to be.
I decided to swear off online dating and to commit to attracting a person in my normal day-to-day life. Mind you I am an introvert, and my day-to-day life pretty much consists of working, running errands, and the occasional coffee date with a girlfriend. Nevertheless, I was committed to this organic, old-fashioned way of attracting love.
I read a book and did a course called Calling in the One by Katherine Woodward Thomas. All about preparing for love. It helped me look at my past patterns in relationships and own my part in the dysfunction.
I also read a life-changing book called Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller and discovered that my baseline attachment style is anxious meaning my biggest fear in relationships is rejection or abandonment. The good news is attachment has plasticity so even if your style is insecure, you can learn skills to become more secure. I promise I will write more about this in the future. I worked with a transformational coach to help shift my attachment style to secure. I am happy to report that overall, now I am mostly secure with occasional anxious flare ups. I am comfortable in my own skin, standing on my own two feet, able to ask for what I need and want and able to express my feelings.
Using Attached as my guide, I was determined I would attract a partner who has a secure attachment. I knew this would make my life so much easier.
On April 18, 2018, I was at home doing pretty much nothing on a day off from work. I had noticed a friend of mine had a better camera on her phone than me so I thought I would go to Verizon to inquire about the price of an updated phone. For some unknown reason, I put on a cute white sundress and some big red and white striped earrings, and I ventured out to the Verizon in my neighborhood.
I had been there a few times and the cute guy with the bald head and the calm demeanor had helped me. I went over to his station and in moments I was buying a pretty purple phone and a sparkly case. Meanwhile, him and I were talking as though we were on a date. He was a fellow Midwesterner, he had great taste in music. I complimented his playlist telling him that it is an artform to make a great playlist. I found out he had a kid, and he was single. Inside my head, I said “I hope he asks me out on a date.” We were there for probably an hour and a half and bantered back and forth effortlessly.
When I walked to the door, he stopped me and said, “Now that our business is officially done, would you like to go out with me?” And he handed me his business card with his personal cell number written on it.
I left Verizon walked over to Starbucks across the parking lot and texted him right away. I wanted the ball in his court. We talked that night on the phone for an hour and a half and were completely vulnerable and open and then the next day we went on an adventure. That adventure is still going on.
Early on, I made him read Attached, and sure enough he has a secure attachment. He has also done a lot of his own personal work which I find extremely sexy.
Had I not taken the time to date myself and dive deep into my own relationship patterns and attachment styles, I don’t think I could have attracted this wonderful and secure person – my person.
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