One of my favorite concepts to talk to clients about is The Window of Tolerance. This concept comes from Dr. Dan Siegel.
Picture a window. On the top of the window is hyperarousal. Hyperarousal is an active energy – fight, flight, anxiety. On the bottom of the window is hypoarousal. Hypoarousal is more of an absence of energy – withdrawal, shut down, collapse. Ideally, you will fall somewhere in between these two extremes – not hitting the top or the bottom of your window. This will keep you within your Window of Tolerance.
When you are within your window, you can tolerate whatever life throws your way without going into survival mode. Your pre-frontal cortex, or thinking brain, stays online and you are able to make conscious, healthy choices.
You can operate in a preventative manner by being mindful on a moment-to-moment basis of your present experience. Keep your first attention on your physiological experience, noticing when there is activation, such as heart beating fast, shoulders coming up to your ears, knots in the belly. Simply pausing and slowing down, observing your breath can help you to not go out of your window, or to come back to your window, if you are out of it.
There may be moments when you have a wider window and moments when you have a narrower window. It is important to be an investigator of yourself so you know what influences the size of your window. For some people, their window might be narrower after a long, stressful day of work. The more you know about yourself, the more you can set yourself up for success.
If you’re partnered, it is helpful to use this concept with each other. Even being able to say,
“Hey, can we talk about this later. Right now, my window is really narrow.”
This approach is a nonthreatening way to let your partner know that now is not the time for you to have the hard conversation.
If you want to hear me talk more about this concept and applying it with couples, check out my guest appearance on the Relationship Renovation podcast here:
Reach out with comments or questions.
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